Monday, May 10, 2010

The Mean Time

Have you ever been in one of those places in life where you are a step away from where you were and a step away from where you're going? Where you're in this odd, in-between. A place of waiting. The Bible says we're supposed to rest in our waiting. To be content in all circumstances (Phillipians 4:10-13). Whether we have plenty or are in lack we are to be content and know that we "can do all things through Christ who strengthens us".

We are to wait in peace knowing where our strength comes from and that we can do ALL things through it. When you truly believe in your heart this is true, it's much harder for doubt and fear to settle in. And when it does try to rear its ugly head you state the truth to it and it must leave. The truth will set us free. (John 8:32).

Seems as though these in-between places are always dark. Always question-filled. Where am I going? Why did I have to leave what I know and understand? Will taking this step really make something better for me? Will I fail? Will I succeed? If I do fail what are the consequences...just how bad will it be? If I succeed ...what does that look like? What does that feel like? Will I be better for it? What if the success looks and feels much different from what I see my success as? How will I know if it's a success or a failure? And many more questions.

I was watching an interview once with a group of 3 or 4 elderly women. They were a riot. I just remember them being so funny and such good friends. I don't even remember what the interview was about specifically - basically a challenge they had overcome and allowed themselves to be led by their faith through it. One of them was talking about being in that in between state of leaving one place and not yet arriving at the new place. She said "in the meantime...and I do mean the MEAN time." That has always stuck with me.

I feel like, once again, I'm in the mean time. The in-between stage of getting from one place to the next. This diagnosis of type 1 diabetes for Mackenzie has got to be the single hardest thing I'd ever had to endure. I just can't expain the hurt and confusion. At the same time I thank God that diabetes is all we're dealing with. Many parents deal with much more devastating diagnosis'.

This morning was a tough one for her. She was tired. Still catching up on all the school work she missed. Trying to keep up with the school work still coming. Trying to deal with her feelings and the constant needles and lifestyle changes from the diagnosis. It's not fair. I wish it were me. It would be so much easier. The mean time can be really mean.

As I go through this place, I wonder. Where will this take us? What purpose does this serve? How I can, through my faith, ensure that the purpose is fulfilled? The only answer I see in front of me is to keep going. Dont stop in the darkness. Continue on till you see the light. Be content and know that his grace is sufficient and his strength made perfect in my weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9). And to know that by living the truth, the word of God, we will be set free. I look forward to the new freedom this mean place leads us into for we are walking by faith, not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7).

In the last couple of weeks I've expressed my (and Billy's and both kids) faith and belief that Mackenzie will be healed to many people. Nearly everyone has tried to "warn" me that it might not happen. That I am in denial, or it's just my way of coping. I'm ok with that. I don't need them to believe with me. I can believe it all on my own. To be honest, those kind of words make my faith even stronger that God wants to use this situation in big ways.

just took on
a whole new meaning
for me.


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry your family is going through this. It's wonderful you have your faith to help with the weight of all that has been placed on Mackenzie's shoulders as well as the weight you bear as her family. I wish the absolute best for Mackenzie and your family. Hold fast to your faith while doing everything you can physically. Be well and strong!

Jen said...

Great post Shelley! I really relate to the bit about what you said about wishing it was you. As a mom I know I would feel the same way if it was Jasper. It takes a different kind of patience. Waiting is so hard and I know your family is going to grow so much stronger in each other and in their faith in God because of this experience- already has!!! Lots of love to all of you!!! Keep on believing!!